Why? Can't you see I need you?
by Skylark555
Summary: ‘How could something like this have happened…? … it’s not fair… please come home … I want everything to be the way it used to be …


(A/N this is an angst fic there is character death in here and emoness nd other stuff …this is also the first of any of my fics that actually has something to do with things that have happened to me. I'm writing this because I got the idea for it while looking at a friends myspace page because it's just about 2 years since her death nd I was in a depressed mood so um yea … well RIP Nicky this is in memory of you 5/23/05 … and I'm sorry that this one isn't a nice happy cheerful thing because I know you would want everyone to be happy and not all upset over your passing but unfortunately emotions aren't as easy to control as one might think…)

Things to know for this fic:  
things in " " are spoken lines

Things in ' ' are thoughts

Things in - - are what Kaoru is writing

Things in are place and or time

Things in + are Kaoru's memories/dreams of Hikaru

Disclaimer: I do not own anything with the exception of the plot

Saturday, May 27, 2005 7:40Am

'How could something like this have happened…? Just the other day you were here beside me. … Why did it happen … why you? Of all people why you … why not me instead'

He thought while he sat in the front pew of the church crystalline tears slipping uncontrollably from his amber eyes. His parents on either side of him, his mother balling her eyes out and his father sitting sternly fighting off his tears in order to "be strong" for his wife and son.

'I can't believe you're gone… it's not fair… we were supposed to do everything together… we were born together, grew up together… went through most of our school career and now you leave me to graduate on my own … why Hikaru … Why did you leave me … we only had one more year until we left Ouran and went on with our lives … we were supposed to be able to experience all of this together and more … why didn't you take me with you …'

The church was silent aside from the sounds of the large doors opening and closing as people began to filter in taking their seats and the soft sobbing that came from many of them. Tamaki, Kyouya, Mori, Hunny, and Haruhi were all sitting behind Kaoru; all of them trying to provide some sort of comfort for him and each other. The solemn group listened as the priest gave the eulogy.

"We gather here today as family and friends to bid one final fair well to Hitachin Hikaru, he was a caring, fun loving person and a family member to some here"

'How dare he speak as if he knew you … he knew nothing about you … hell he only just learned your name this morning… I wish I was with you … I don't know how I'm going to get through this … the whole thing just keeps playing over in my mind as if on instant replay… I try to call out to you … to get you to stop but you don't listen … why … why don't you listen to my calls… cant you see I need you…'

"Hikaru's joy for life transmitted where ever he took his smile and the sparkle in those unforgettable eyes...Above all we give thanks for the life of a unique young man, the complex, the extraordinary and irreplaceable Hikaru whose beauty, both internal and external, will never be extinguished from our minds."

'If there is any one here who should be up there talking it's me but mother didn't think that it would be a good idea… she thinks that I'm not in a stable frame of mind… she's right … I'm not… but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to speak on your behalf… you were after all my brother, my love, and my sweetest sin… you were my beloved Hikaru… I mean sure no one knew the extent of our real relationship but they knew we were closer than any thing … I hate this… we should be together but now it's impossible until the day I finally join you …'

"If there is any one here who would like to speak on this youth's behalf may they rise and come fourth to speak their piece"

Haruhi stood and went to the alter removing a slip of paper from the sleeve of her black dress. "If Tears Could… The author is unknown… If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane, I would walk right up to heaven to bring you home again. No farewell words were spoken. No time to say good-bye. You were gone before we knew it, And only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, No one will ever know… Rest in Peace Hikaru you will always be missed…" she ended the poem and went back to her seat fresh tears spilling from her eyes.

Kaoru then stood and rather than going to the front and speaking he stayed at his seat. All eyes were on him as he took a shaky breath before beginning "Why you Hikaru… Why… I know everyone is going to miss you… your beautiful eyes, your contagious laugh, your wonderful smile, … and your great personality … You have always been there for me … I wish I could have saved you … Rest in Piece my Hikaru … you will lay in my heart from now until we meet again… beyond those giant pearly gates…" Kaoru broke down into sobs unable to finish what he wanted to say.

'Please my love, my beautiful Hikaru … please come home … I want everything to be the way it used to be … I don't know if I can last with out you…'

Kyouya stepped up to the alter to speak while the others were trying their best to console Kaoru. "What I have to say is not going to be the longest nor the most beautiful thing said here today but I will say it in hopes to aid in consoling everyone who has gathered here … Only the good die young… Hikaru you will be missed by all of us especially those of us who truly knew you for who you were … to tell the truth the host club won't be the same without you … Rest in piece and do us all a favor and keep the haunting to a minimum"

Kyouya went back to his seat swallowing the lump that had built up in the back of his throat willing away the tears that wanted to burst fourth. Tamaki placed an arm around Kyouya's shoulders offering comfort to him. Once he was sure that Kyouya wasn't braking down like many of the rest of them he stepped fourth to speak.

"I don't have any thing written out, typed up, or printed but I wanted to say that we shouldn't be mourning his death but rather celebrating his life… Hikaru was a good friend of mine as well as the rest of the host club, and he has touched many people at Ouran in more ways than he could ever imagine… so let us not mourn and be tearful because Hikaru wouldn't want us to… he would want us to go out there with a smile on and pull a prank or just have fun in remembrance of him… He would want us to be happy for him, that he is finally free of this place, free of all pain and grief, free from ever being confined. He is free to be him self… so rather than going down the dark path of depression why not celebrate this gift he received and remember him not as he is today but as he was not even two days ago… laughing and happy, having fun. So let us pay tribute to him and celebrate the life he had… rest in peace my friend" with that Tamaki went back to his seat. The last to go up and speak was Hunny.

"This poem is titled His Journey's Just Begun; the author is Unknown… Don't think of him as gone away- his journey's just begun life hold so many facets- this earth is only one. Just think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears in a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years. Think how he must be wishing  
that we could know today how nothing but our sadness can really pass away. And think of him as living in the hearts of those he touched... for nothing loved is ever lost- and he was loved so much… Hika-kun we all love and miss you …" Hunny went back to Mori's side his tears trickling from his doe-brown eyes.

At the end of all the speeches all those who had gathered formed a line on the left side of the church to go up to the casket and say their good byes. Kaoru took a place at the end of the line the rest of the club beside him. He was shaking due to his tears keeping his sobs silent.

"Kaoru… everything will be ok … I know it seems hopeless now but it will get easier …" Haruhi whispered softly while pulling the shaking Hitachin into her arms

Kaoru leaned into the comforting embrace and shook his head not trusting his voice to speak.

The line moved slowly everyone saying their own special good byes. To Kaoru it was like some form of slow torture made especially for him.

'I don't want to be here … Hikaru why did you save me that day … it should have been me not you…'

The line moved forward at it's own pace nether fast nor slow it just moved. Kaoru was having trouble attempting to hold him self together; as well as, trying to force him self to remain on the line rather than running off and finding a nice pointy object to free him self from the world that he was now being forced to live in without Hikaru.

Kaoru was soon brought from his musings by Haruhi's hand lightly landing on his shoulder letting him know that it was his turn to go up. He sighed attempting to compose himself before walking up to the coffin to bid his love, life, and entire world one final good bye before they headed to the burial grounds.

After making his way over to the cream colored casket decorated with red and white roses, he looked upon Hikaru's still form and lightly traced over the features of his twins face lingering on his lips for a moment before leaning down and placing one final kiss to those soft familiar lips; tears coursing down his cheeks.

"Hikaru… aisheteru… even though you won't be with me in the physical sense of the word you will always be in my heart. When I walk down the isle on our graduation day it will all be for you. It will be you graduating … you and me, together, just as it was meant to be." Kaoru spoke as if he were trying to convince himself of the truth within his words.

He was soon pulled gently away from the coffin by his father so that the funeral procession could continue on to the burial grounds. Kaoru watched with tears streaming as the lid of the casket was closed for the last time while clinging to his father as thoughts of Hikaru and the accident flashed through his mind.

Kaoru's memories (or one of) +

Hikaru laughed "Kaoru you can't expect me to believe that aha ha ha."

Hikaru's laughter died away when he realized that Kaoru had walked off with out him. He ran after him "Oh come on Kaoru don't be mad …"

Kaoru stepped out onto the cross walk before turning back "I'm not mad…"

When he turned to continue walking a car flew around the corner.

"KAORU!!" Hikaru yelled his name before running out and pushing him from the car's path.

Kaoru looked up and called out to Hikaru but it was too late… he watched as if in slow motion as the car slammed into his brother and continued on it's way. Kaoru instantly ran over to his twin's still form.

"Hikaru… Hikaru… please…" Kaoru said in a panicked tone.

His eyes filled with tears the salty fluid spilling out and sliding down his cheeks as his body slipped into a state of shock.

"Kaoru… Hikaru…"

He blacked out as he heard a familiar voice calling out to them.

End of memory+

'God Hikaru… if I would have known that you'd be taken away from me like this… I would have said I love you more often… would have taken the time to kiss you longer … held you closer…

There are just so many things that were left unsaid… and even more that I now wish I would have told you…

We never did get the chance to tell everyone about us… even though I know it wouldn't have gone over well… I still would have liked to stop hiding from the world… Now it really doesn't matter all though I may still tell them… It's so hard to bare this burden alone…

You are my world dear brother and I only hope I can bear with this hell… All this pain…; having to be without you until we join together once more in the after life … it will be worth it in the end… or at least that's what I keep telling myself… I can't say that I believe it but I am trying…

I love you and always will… There will never be anyone who could take your place nor would I ever allow it…'

His thoughts were cut off as he was led from the now empty church to the limo that would bring them to the cemetery.

Cemetery

Kaoru placed the last rose atop Hikaru's coffin, his was the only black rose in the bunch the majority of them were red with a few white ones mixed in. He watched as the casket was lowered into the ground, taps sounding off in the background, and everyone who had gathered there whispered a prayer or two for the departed twin.

'Please lord watch over my son and guide him to your side. Please almighty god full of grace and mercy help Kaoru through this excruciatingly hard time… help him to come out of this unharmed …' Yuzuha thought as she clasped her hands together in silent prayer.

"Merciful lord I beg of you watch over my sons" Mr. Hitachin stated at a whisper.

Haruhi lead a group prayer with Hunny, Mori, Tamaki, and Kyouya; all the while keeping her eyes on Kaoru who looked just about ready to jump in the hole after his brother.

To everyone's surprise Kaoru remained calm and poised throughout the burial along with standing in utter silence. The only thing proving that he hadn't died on the spot were the tears spilling from his auburn eyes.

Time passed; although, he wasn't sure of how much had gone by it had. Kaoru was once more brought back into reality by a hand landing lightly on his shoulder.

"Kaoru dear, it's time to go…" Yuzuha's soft voice filled his ears as he registered who was talking.

Kaoru gave a slight nod in response to his mother's statement and fallowed both her and his father to the limo without taking a second to glance back as the dirt was being placed atop the casket.

Kyouya watched the younger twin walk away a feeling a feeling of dread settled in his gut telling him that all was not as it seemed, Kaoru wasn't going to be alright if someone didn't intervene and keep him from doing something stupid. On his way out Tamaki stopped him.

"Kaoru looks like he's a bit calmer than he was earlier"

Kyouya gave a nod in agreement not wanting to make the club's king more upset.

"Come on Tamaki I think we should go everyone else has gone home" Kyouya's voice sounded like he was exhausted the day's events taking its toll on everyone.

Hitachin mansion

Kaoru spent most of the night writing notes in the journal that his mother decided he needed.

- I don't know how I'm going to make it through this with out you here… You were always the strong, fearless one… The one to make me feel secure… I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the third music room… I'm planning on quitting the Host Club it would be too painful to host alone… The only reason I was in it was because you thought it would be fun… to tell the truth I never really liked being flaunted off in front of all the girls and I hated how _our_ world was being incinerated by those of _their_ world… How our little garden was being invaded … I'm sorry Hikaru… I know I shouldn't be saying all of this now… Oh gods Hikaru why did it have to be you… It should have been me…It should have been me Hikaru not you why did you push me out of the way of the dam car… I can't say that had our places been switched I wouldn't have done the same thing… heh if any of my teachers saw this they would be shocked it's so horribly written… no paragraphing, no punctuation… but I can't say that I really care too much… I love you Hikaru and I need you won't you please come home… -

Kaoru sat and stared at the page in front of him before braking down into a fit of sobs. He just couldn't believe that he was alone and his love was gone never to return no matter how much he begged and pleaded.

Later that night after everyone had finally went to sleep Kaoru slipped silently out of his bedroom and snuck out of the house. He walked down the block a ways before taking off at a run. When he finally stopped running he found himself at the gates to the graveyard and slowly made his way over to Hikaru's grave. As soon as he set foot on the freshly turned dirt he collapsed to his knees clawing at the dirt, sobbing, and completely braking down.

"Hikaru!..."

Kaoru kept at it to the point of collapsing onto his face out of sheer exhaustion realizing that he would never be able to dig all the way down to the coffin. He forced his body to move a little further curling around Hikaru's headstone and crying him self to sleep with his head pillowed on the stone and a his hand covering Hikaru's name.

Morning of Sunday May 28, 2007

Yuzuha went up to her son's room to wake him for breakfast; finding it empty she panicked and began scouring the mansion top to bottom looking for him.

2 hours later

Yuzuha picked up the phone and dialed Tamaki's number at a loss as to where Kaoru could be.

"Konnichiwa" Tamaki's voice rung out from the other end of the phone line

"Tamaki Kaoru's missing… Do you know where he is?" Yuzuha tone of voice showing just how serious she was

"gomen Hitachin-san I don't know where he is… but please don't worry I'll get a search party together and we'll find him." Tamaki's voice showed his sincerity as the words slipped from his lips.

"Arigato, Suoh-kun" Yuzuha hung up the phone with a soft click.

Suoh residence

Tamaki picked up the phone once more calling Kyouya's cell.

"Hello?"

"Kyouya it's Tamaki, Kaoru is missing… send out a search party… we must fin…" Tamaki's ramblings were cut off by a sigh coming from the other end of the line.

"Don't worry I have an idea on where he may be I'll call you if I find him so keep your cell on." With that Kyouya hung up.

Ohtori mansion

Kyouya slipped on his shoes as he made his way to the front door of his home mind ticking away at where Kaoru could have run off to.

"Otosan an emergency has come up I'll be home later" He walked out the door and to his limo.

Cemetery

Kyouya nearly jumped out of the car as they got to the destination. Once out of the car he went through the large iron gates of the cemetery and began the walk to where Hikaru had been buried.

Spotting Kaoru when he was a few head stones away he ran over to him kneeling beside him. Kyouya placed a hand on Kaoru's back lightly.

"oh Kaoru…" he stated softly looking at the sleeping twin a mix of sorrow and pity in his eyes.

(AN:/ well we have made it through this fic 2 months later --U but I must say I like how it turned out. If this proves to be something that everyone likes I may add more chapters to this. Once again I want to say that I don't own any thing in this fic with the exception of the plot. This fic has nothing to do with the true story line of Ouran High School Host Club. Please read and review and let me know what you all think. Till next time.

Ja-ne

Cat )


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